The Stigma hasn't Changed Yet.....

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~ Anatole France

Indeed a perfect quote.

Change, is much more than just being a simple 6 letter word. It contains in itself a whole turmoil of emotional conflicts. Conflicts which sometimes are strong enough to break you down and sometimes are intense enough to change you in and out. In my lifetime i have never seen any change , welcomed with a smile. Whether it is about entering a new life, leaving behind one, whether it is simple change in life, relations, whether it is simplest change in Facebook chat, photoviewer or any of those minutest things. Sometimes we stand up against change, sometimes the whole world stand against us.

Just think about a girl who is getting married, leaving behind her own family which she cherished with love, care, affection for 24 25 years of her life, the room she used to call her own, decorated with the colours of her life, and every small thing, happiness that she has to leave behind and she just have to say goodbye, once for all. Though she has all those dreams, hopes of a new beginning, husband who she thinks is mad in her love, a family who will care the same way like her own and if she is lucky enough she gets everything. True the happiness, the excitement overpowers it all, the fear, the anxieties and the Change, Change in her life, her soul and her very Individuality. Has anyone tried consoling her about the same...Yes the mother and the aunts do give advice to that already vulnerable soul for being at best of her behaviour with her in laws. And has anyone saw a married girl complaining about the drastic change, though she every second feels that, every second fights that, but alone, just alone. Making every move, every facial expression with a deep thought because yes they are being noticed and noticed so carefully that even after years of marriage, one wrong move, an extra pinch of salt in food becomes a one basic thing to recognize the girl with.

I agree, nowadays things are quite different, guess the Change Happened. But still there are many who didn’t change and there are more who will never change.

Because the Dowry still exists, Because newspapers have still The news of burnt brides,Because suicides are still happenings, Because physical molestation is still there and because Girls are still suffering!!

And that’s because we are still the same, because we are taught to be The Same. ‘Suffer in Silence’ is a quote which in many families girls are taught more than they are taught the ABC!

I am sure Newton wasn’t aware of the Social Stigma for a Married Girl when he discovered the theory ‘Every Reaction has an equal and Opposite reaction.’ But it existed then and it exists now. But it doesn’t negate the validity of the very theory. So The Reaction has to happen!

In a way that every person who cursed you, who  raised a hand at you to harm you, every abuse you faced, that each and every insult, you shouldn’t bear Just like that. Think, think about the reaction of that soul who is crushing herself from inside from ages, being a Daughter, being a Girl, being a Bride, being a Mother and what not and the reaction will be so intense that it will settle it all, for the betterment of herself, her family and Her Society, a betterment that will bring a revolution of The Change!

Be a girl who can love, who can give, who can compromise but when you know you are getting atleast half in return otherwise Stand Up, for yourself, your individuality and for the Change. Change that will Change it all.

BIMTECH It was......

I know i am quite late to update but the pain is still inside and it’s growing with every single second with the realisation of the fact that it is Over. Yes, the Bimtech, the college life is over once for all. It's not just we left a college behind but we all left a life behind. A life, spent so free of mind that i fear how the complexities of life, job, people, family are waiting for us with an open arm and we have no option but to be hugged by the reality sooner or later.

It's sad that when you start calling a place your home and people around, a family, becomes a strange land, for which you can only feel nostalgic about but you no longer own it. You can no longer call it your Home!

 In the past 2 months my heart was beating faster whenever i thought of the Final Moment. I passed it, i survived. And Good news my heart is not beating at that rate now, it came back to normal. Normal that whole day i go through the pictures of old memories and give it a reason to beat faster again. I am so not liking the regular pace.  Whatever it is, i know i will get over with it, everyone will but is it important ?? What was important was lived in those  2 years, what is important is still inside me, though making me feel nostalgic in this vulnerable time but i am sure years later it will add a Smile on my face and it will, till the End!

Frankly speaking, here right at this point when i am writing i don’t have the courage to write it from the Day One till the Day last but i going to write about those, who are the reason for these tears in my eyes today, who are the reason for that smile on my face for 2 years and who are the reason to let me call, past two years to be the Best Years of my life, without a slightest doubt.

Niketa, I have already written so much about you, my feelings for you are and will be the same till the end. In a single word you are ‘Incomparable’ to me, to my life.

Nitin aka NK Ji, that’s what i called you from the day we knew each other. I have heard of a phrase ‘Gem of a Person’, i grew up thinking someday someone will call me so, but after being friends with you, i knew i was so wrong, because a person has to be like You to Deserve this.  Day in day out, you were there to help me, guide me. I will never forget the way you  used to call me Madam Ji. You are the one friend i will cherish till the end. I know how you wanted me to celebrate Our Last Holi at campus. For that i will just say, forgive me.

Uday Pratap Singh! Yes your name deserves an exclamation mark. What you are not. You as a person suffice everything. You helped, you supported, you made as laugh, laugh a real hard, you got a humour, you got concern, you got intelligence, you got emotions, you got solution for any dam problem we faced and last but not least you got a funny phone! I consider myself lucky to have a friend a like you, right from the Foundation till the Convocation! And need not to mention but Forever.

Arushi, for you too i have already confessed it all. Just a thing, nowadays whenever i feel lonely and sad, i know where to go, My laptop and there comes your PIC, The ChildhooD EPICS of Yours and the next moment i am laughing like mad. I don’t know whom to thank , to you  or to your mom, take it anyways. Love you!

Akash, First things first, remember “Dhood Dhood Dhood”! Sorry for that, but i will stay say “Itna Prank to chalta h” though you never got to take the revenge of same or you were kind enough, ThankYou! You are a nice person, entertaining, chilled out. Some fine day please let me know what exactly you do with all your tensions and problems because as far as i have seen, you were Always Smiling.

Sumit Srivastav, though we became friends only in the last 2 3 terms but you know, when one meets a nice person like you, a single day is too long to become friends with. You the one who cares, cares and cares a lot for all, may be you don’t express it out loud but it is so implied in your personality.  Stay the way you are, always and yes we will someday achieve the Mission Mumbai ! ;)  

Komal, i never really thought a junior could become such a good friend but we are and we will. Have shared so much, had some really nice moments with you that I will cherish till the end. You are really a deep person and i like the way you are serious about life. You will achieve heights darling that I am sure about. And yes, Choco lava cakes will always be remembered!  Meeting you soon. J

Deepika , we were friends, then we weren’t but then again we hooked up and that was among the finest things happened to me in Bimtech. You got three special things, your big big heart who loves almost everyone, your small room which had space for everyone and you Khooni Teddy! I miss it a lot. Thank you for bearing all of us in your room for whole 2 years. It was always very special sitting there and talking all nonsense! Forgive me for clicking lamest pictures of yours and then uploading most of them. But i guess, i gave you a reason to remember me. I wish you luck for the future you have planned for.

Vivek Kashyap, though our first talk was so out of my explanation but then things were good. I never thought you will become such a good friend. You are a sweet soul with a sweeter smile. You rarely speak but your concern for your friends is always so visible. Just stay focused in life, for worthwhile things and you will achieve it all.

Nida Majeed, frankly speaking i never ever thought we would ever be friends. But when i got to know you, i liked you and i adore you for few of your qualities. You are always smiling girl, no matter what you face. And after being away from you people, i missed your company. Keep making the world Happier! You are too good at that. J

Arjun Arora, i will give credit to Food conduit and Choco Sins for becoming friends with you! You are one person who say on face whatever inside. I like the way you are enthusiastic about things, be it any event or any other work, besides studies which goes without saying. One thing, i tried really hard but didn’t understood most words you wrote in my dairy. I believe they all must be compliments only!

Rinky, Last but definitely not the least. I am so fallen for your voice girl. It’s just too too cute. Every outing with you was so much fun. I like the way you look at life. You believe Everything is Possible. Though i don’t want to list out all those things, just remember the last morning! You are real sweetheart to me and will always be.

That’s all i have to say, it was the best of times spent with you all .Please ignore me for all the irritation i brought into your lives for these 2 years, i am sure may be just for once but i must have given you reason to Smile! Be with me, always.

The Love of my Life!

Now, when officially just 23 days of ours are left here, i don't want to waste a single minute not lived, i don't want to left any single relation unexpressed.An expression which comes right from my heart and will end up at a sweet smile right at your face.And it will begin with the ones who are all over my heart, all over my mind, The two girls who remained no less than an Angel to me for these years!

Though there are many people here, closer to me than myself,who are and will be part of my life forever but this one is dedicated to my 2 BFFs!!!
Will start with the one for whom i have already written a year back. But guess what, with every day spent with her i end up appreciating her more and more.

 Niketa Singh!!! Much more than just being a name to me. From the day one we knew each other, we liked each other. We started off being nice flatmates, became friends then became very good friends and now i needn't define it. You are the one person, infact the only person from whom i have learnt so, so many things. I came as a different person here and now, where i stand, is way way distant.Now, its wasn't like i was emotionally retarded when i stepped in here but yes the most important part of Bimtech Journey is being learnt and i will credit you for the same!You taught me how to be strong, You taught me how to face, face it all with a smile.
There were times when  you stood for me, and there were, when i stood for you, and at times we fought, but now again there is a special connection with you on this note.The moment we had an argument, the next second, i never really remembered we had any!!! I remember all beautiful moments spent with you girl, and i am so going to miss them. We have laughed together, we have shed tears together, we have shared so much and we have lived so many moments together. I know, you know that i remember it all and this time will ever be forgotten. You made my journey special dear. A Thankyou is so much less for all the smiles you have given me. I love you! I am  lucky to have this princess on my side, till the end.

Arushi Mathur!!! we never really were friends in 1st year, but we clicked so well that sometimes i think, if we would have been friends earlier, things would have been different, things would have been more pleasant :)
You really are one person on whom i can depend , any day, any time with my eyes closed. I sometimes get surprised when we notice and think same thing, exactly at the same time and then the look  from the slightest corner of your eye, that only we two can understand! Sometimes i just needn't say anything but you already knew it, what's inside my heart, my mind.I so love this unspoken bond between us.
I love your care, your affection for me, i love how comfortably you switch from being a friend to a sister,just the way i need, i want.
I know we fight more than we stay together, our arguments are never ever going to end and i want them to stay the same because everytime we split apart, the understanding and the love just deepens.
I really wish possibly the Best for you darling.You are very special to me and you will always remain.

You two have been the most beautiful chapters of my life in Bimtech and you have given so many reasons to  miss this place even more.
Stay with me whole through my life, I need you and I love You.

Is He Fair To All??

Is God Fair to All?? This one question is coming in mind since i have started noticing things around me.Since, i just don't only see the world but i actually try to sink it in.

Questioning God raises one more question.The whole base of my trust on him, is in question.

But i am not an atheist, and i think one need to believe him, to question him, his powers. I trust him, the Almighty and i always have been a lucky child of him. I have always got whatever i have asked for and in the exact way that i have asked for. But, i can sense every second, i can see every second that he is not that fair to all.

He is not that fair, to many of my loved ones, he is not that fair to the lady asking just for 5 rupees for her child to survive, survive one more day, he is not that fair to my friends, who deserve much more than for what they have settled in there life, he is not that fair to my brother who has struggled a lot, a lot in his life, he is not that fair to the one lady who comes every morning to clean my room,  he is not fair to the mother who has lost her kid, he is not fair to all those who are dying, on roads, he is not that fair to the boy friend who was cheated up on by his girlfriend, by the one person he loved most, the most in his life,he is not fair to the wife who has lost her husband, he is not that fair to the girl who is being harassed,he is not that fair to the father who has lost his job.

I know there are many lucky favorites like me, and the situation suggests me to be happy and thank him for what he has given me. I am happy but why, why i feel sad, whenever i see those not so lucky ones. Why i wish , God to be equally mercy full on them and then one question keeps on haunting me,What i have done to deserve all this? Exactly what??I have been selfish at times, i have broken hearts of my closed ones at times, i have misbehaved,i am jealous at times, i am rude at times, i have ignored, the lady has who just asked me those 5 rupees ,at times.

And i know there are people around me, who are too good to deserve everything then why don't they. Why can't God be fair to them and if he can't then why has he given me this authority to even question him? Why has he given me this feeling to feel for them.Why? And if all he has, then how long will i have to wait for his answer?

How Long!!

This Dissonance of Mine!

Relationships, bit heavy word and heavier when it comes to live them and heaviest,when it comes to build them, from the excitement of knowing each other to the effort to make it alive and fresh after years and years.

My mom used to tell me with years spent together,a invisible strength comes, making the bond stronger and things obvious. Obvious that yes you are being loved, may be without expressing out loud.Obvious that yes you are being thought of, all the time.Obvious that yes you are the one and you will always remain, no matter how often you are being assured of. I forgot to ask my mom a question. A Question! that yes i know i am being loved, i am being cared, but, what if, i need the expression. Yes i need it, not out loud but strong enough to let me know that yes i am the one. An expression not to assure me, an expression not to make me believe to trust you but an expression that keep things Alive.

May be many don't agree with me, may be it shows i am bit insecure or may be i am explicit! But i fear, i fear that things would be so obvious one day, so stagnant, so silent. I fear the silence of a relationship. I fear things would be so implied one day, and they will keep on going the same, ever and  then forever.I fear the boredom. Boredom, that one day i wake up and seeing so many obvious things, relationship around me and there perfection.Why can't the expression remain as alive as the first day,the first talk, the first smile, the first touch!Sure the love, understanding grow, get stronger, with time but why the expression loose the race, always?

I know i being loved, cared, more than i could have ever ask for but just few sweet words,efforts can make me and absence of them can break me.I hope and i wish, i am not the only one with this feeling.I wish there are people, my loved ones, out there who can, just, express!

The Story of Highway!!!

Sitting right beside the window at 3rd floor, sipping a cup of tea, made to awake myself to study and study till dawn but irony of the situation is that  it's not the PPTs and not the upcoming exams capturing my attention but attention seeker of the moment is more than a perfect view of The Greater Noida Express Highway!!

Don't know whether i am flowing with the mood or is it really something about this highway which catches my attention again and Yet again here i am.

All i can see at this time,is a road bereft of everything but this heart of mine can see, can feel what the eyes can't and the answer is Emotion no matter what the question is!!!

Now how can someone relate emotions to a highway at 1 in midnight especially when it is the one who keeps all of us far far away from the quite a happ life of Noida and Delhi!! But there is something, a thing which made me think, think until i feel and feel until i write.

Traveled it so many times, traveled to see a smiling face waiting just for me at end of it, traveled to catch up with those friends i have to leave a year ago, traveled alone,traveled with you all but always have noticed the flow of so many emotions, so many feelings through it.

Sometimes the two for whom the world is only This romantic ride on our very own highway.Sometimes seen all those friends making promises to share it all, to no matter where they go, these days, these rides won't ever be forgotten.

Sometimes seen a father, a husband having it all in his eyes but a bliss of meeting his family, and a hug from his kids is all he is waiting for.

Among all these innocent and lovely shades, sometimes my eyes struck at the ones who have that, pain, in their eyes.And the pain which is deep sitting in their heart, i have seen coming out of their eyes sometimes.And then, i was never able to gave them a second look, because these tears do define their story but as each one of us do have one or two such stories.And my bad luck, i am too vulnerable to those stories of mine.

And then, i realize my journey was till there only.Till Bimtech only.

Those lives,those stories which connect to me, make a impact right at my heart. Till now that impact has added a whole new dimension of emotions to my life.

I pray to God that it will always remain the same way!!! And pray the same for The Highway which absorbs it all , day and night.

I Miss It!!!

1.30 Am, T-12, 3rd floor,slow melody making my mood gloomy and forcing me to think i don't want to.Don't know whether is it the void of present or is it the unclear future forcing me to think of Past. Whenever this word flashes in front of my eyes i become silent for a moment trying to soak in so many emotions, so many feelings inside me.

They say Happy memories ends up giving you tears of joy,of bliss but damm they make me cry, cry like i hate, hate being here at this point of time, hate being...

My words can mere express it but my emotions can, what i miss.

I miss those early mornings rushing to school with The Best someones of your life, i miss those long prayers, i miss those Sunday afternoons spent with mum dad and brother, i miss those fights with him , i miss hating him  at that point of time and then saying sorry, i miss naming my dolls, i miss playing those silly games, i miss those Kattas and Abbaas!!! I miss irritating my dog, i miss painting walls.I miss a lot of it, i miss all of it.

This pensive feeling make my emotions more against The Present. Then i didn't need a reason to be happy, now thousand reasons are less to fake a smile.Then i saw care and feelings all around me,now, loathing is all i see, i feel.

I see a wall between the Time then and now and no matter how hard i try i can't see through it. 

I remember then we were taught to love and be loved and now i have learnt how to fake it all.

I am struck here and i know i will be for long time till i feel, till i see at least a slightest glimpse of what i am missing.

And till then i am writing, i am writing the Deepest Emotions!!!