The Love of my Life!

Now, when officially just 23 days of ours are left here, i don't want to waste a single minute not lived, i don't want to left any single relation unexpressed.An expression which comes right from my heart and will end up at a sweet smile right at your face.And it will begin with the ones who are all over my heart, all over my mind, The two girls who remained no less than an Angel to me for these years!

Though there are many people here, closer to me than myself,who are and will be part of my life forever but this one is dedicated to my 2 BFFs!!!
Will start with the one for whom i have already written a year back. But guess what, with every day spent with her i end up appreciating her more and more.

 Niketa Singh!!! Much more than just being a name to me. From the day one we knew each other, we liked each other. We started off being nice flatmates, became friends then became very good friends and now i needn't define it. You are the one person, infact the only person from whom i have learnt so, so many things. I came as a different person here and now, where i stand, is way way distant.Now, its wasn't like i was emotionally retarded when i stepped in here but yes the most important part of Bimtech Journey is being learnt and i will credit you for the same!You taught me how to be strong, You taught me how to face, face it all with a smile.
There were times when  you stood for me, and there were, when i stood for you, and at times we fought, but now again there is a special connection with you on this note.The moment we had an argument, the next second, i never really remembered we had any!!! I remember all beautiful moments spent with you girl, and i am so going to miss them. We have laughed together, we have shed tears together, we have shared so much and we have lived so many moments together. I know, you know that i remember it all and this time will ever be forgotten. You made my journey special dear. A Thankyou is so much less for all the smiles you have given me. I love you! I am  lucky to have this princess on my side, till the end.

Arushi Mathur!!! we never really were friends in 1st year, but we clicked so well that sometimes i think, if we would have been friends earlier, things would have been different, things would have been more pleasant :)
You really are one person on whom i can depend , any day, any time with my eyes closed. I sometimes get surprised when we notice and think same thing, exactly at the same time and then the look  from the slightest corner of your eye, that only we two can understand! Sometimes i just needn't say anything but you already knew it, what's inside my heart, my mind.I so love this unspoken bond between us.
I love your care, your affection for me, i love how comfortably you switch from being a friend to a sister,just the way i need, i want.
I know we fight more than we stay together, our arguments are never ever going to end and i want them to stay the same because everytime we split apart, the understanding and the love just deepens.
I really wish possibly the Best for you darling.You are very special to me and you will always remain.

You two have been the most beautiful chapters of my life in Bimtech and you have given so many reasons to  miss this place even more.
Stay with me whole through my life, I need you and I love You.

Is He Fair To All??

Is God Fair to All?? This one question is coming in mind since i have started noticing things around me.Since, i just don't only see the world but i actually try to sink it in.

Questioning God raises one more question.The whole base of my trust on him, is in question.

But i am not an atheist, and i think one need to believe him, to question him, his powers. I trust him, the Almighty and i always have been a lucky child of him. I have always got whatever i have asked for and in the exact way that i have asked for. But, i can sense every second, i can see every second that he is not that fair to all.

He is not that fair, to many of my loved ones, he is not that fair to the lady asking just for 5 rupees for her child to survive, survive one more day, he is not that fair to my friends, who deserve much more than for what they have settled in there life, he is not that fair to my brother who has struggled a lot, a lot in his life, he is not that fair to the one lady who comes every morning to clean my room,  he is not fair to the mother who has lost her kid, he is not fair to all those who are dying, on roads, he is not that fair to the boy friend who was cheated up on by his girlfriend, by the one person he loved most, the most in his life,he is not fair to the wife who has lost her husband, he is not that fair to the girl who is being harassed,he is not that fair to the father who has lost his job.

I know there are many lucky favorites like me, and the situation suggests me to be happy and thank him for what he has given me. I am happy but why, why i feel sad, whenever i see those not so lucky ones. Why i wish , God to be equally mercy full on them and then one question keeps on haunting me,What i have done to deserve all this? Exactly what??I have been selfish at times, i have broken hearts of my closed ones at times, i have misbehaved,i am jealous at times, i am rude at times, i have ignored, the lady has who just asked me those 5 rupees ,at times.

And i know there are people around me, who are too good to deserve everything then why don't they. Why can't God be fair to them and if he can't then why has he given me this authority to even question him? Why has he given me this feeling to feel for them.Why? And if all he has, then how long will i have to wait for his answer?

How Long!!

This Dissonance of Mine!

Relationships, bit heavy word and heavier when it comes to live them and heaviest,when it comes to build them, from the excitement of knowing each other to the effort to make it alive and fresh after years and years.

My mom used to tell me with years spent together,a invisible strength comes, making the bond stronger and things obvious. Obvious that yes you are being loved, may be without expressing out loud.Obvious that yes you are being thought of, all the time.Obvious that yes you are the one and you will always remain, no matter how often you are being assured of. I forgot to ask my mom a question. A Question! that yes i know i am being loved, i am being cared, but, what if, i need the expression. Yes i need it, not out loud but strong enough to let me know that yes i am the one. An expression not to assure me, an expression not to make me believe to trust you but an expression that keep things Alive.

May be many don't agree with me, may be it shows i am bit insecure or may be i am explicit! But i fear, i fear that things would be so obvious one day, so stagnant, so silent. I fear the silence of a relationship. I fear things would be so implied one day, and they will keep on going the same, ever and  then forever.I fear the boredom. Boredom, that one day i wake up and seeing so many obvious things, relationship around me and there perfection.Why can't the expression remain as alive as the first day,the first talk, the first smile, the first touch!Sure the love, understanding grow, get stronger, with time but why the expression loose the race, always?

I know i being loved, cared, more than i could have ever ask for but just few sweet words,efforts can make me and absence of them can break me.I hope and i wish, i am not the only one with this feeling.I wish there are people, my loved ones, out there who can, just, express!

The Story of Highway!!!

Sitting right beside the window at 3rd floor, sipping a cup of tea, made to awake myself to study and study till dawn but irony of the situation is that  it's not the PPTs and not the upcoming exams capturing my attention but attention seeker of the moment is more than a perfect view of The Greater Noida Express Highway!!

Don't know whether i am flowing with the mood or is it really something about this highway which catches my attention again and Yet again here i am.

All i can see at this time,is a road bereft of everything but this heart of mine can see, can feel what the eyes can't and the answer is Emotion no matter what the question is!!!

Now how can someone relate emotions to a highway at 1 in midnight especially when it is the one who keeps all of us far far away from the quite a happ life of Noida and Delhi!! But there is something, a thing which made me think, think until i feel and feel until i write.

Traveled it so many times, traveled to see a smiling face waiting just for me at end of it, traveled to catch up with those friends i have to leave a year ago, traveled alone,traveled with you all but always have noticed the flow of so many emotions, so many feelings through it.

Sometimes the two for whom the world is only This romantic ride on our very own highway.Sometimes seen all those friends making promises to share it all, to no matter where they go, these days, these rides won't ever be forgotten.

Sometimes seen a father, a husband having it all in his eyes but a bliss of meeting his family, and a hug from his kids is all he is waiting for.

Among all these innocent and lovely shades, sometimes my eyes struck at the ones who have that, pain, in their eyes.And the pain which is deep sitting in their heart, i have seen coming out of their eyes sometimes.And then, i was never able to gave them a second look, because these tears do define their story but as each one of us do have one or two such stories.And my bad luck, i am too vulnerable to those stories of mine.

And then, i realize my journey was till there only.Till Bimtech only.

Those lives,those stories which connect to me, make a impact right at my heart. Till now that impact has added a whole new dimension of emotions to my life.

I pray to God that it will always remain the same way!!! And pray the same for The Highway which absorbs it all , day and night.

I Miss It!!!

1.30 Am, T-12, 3rd floor,slow melody making my mood gloomy and forcing me to think i don't want to.Don't know whether is it the void of present or is it the unclear future forcing me to think of Past. Whenever this word flashes in front of my eyes i become silent for a moment trying to soak in so many emotions, so many feelings inside me.

They say Happy memories ends up giving you tears of joy,of bliss but damm they make me cry, cry like i hate, hate being here at this point of time, hate being...

My words can mere express it but my emotions can, what i miss.

I miss those early mornings rushing to school with The Best someones of your life, i miss those long prayers, i miss those Sunday afternoons spent with mum dad and brother, i miss those fights with him , i miss hating him  at that point of time and then saying sorry, i miss naming my dolls, i miss playing those silly games, i miss those Kattas and Abbaas!!! I miss irritating my dog, i miss painting walls.I miss a lot of it, i miss all of it.

This pensive feeling make my emotions more against The Present. Then i didn't need a reason to be happy, now thousand reasons are less to fake a smile.Then i saw care and feelings all around me,now, loathing is all i see, i feel.

I see a wall between the Time then and now and no matter how hard i try i can't see through it. 

I remember then we were taught to love and be loved and now i have learnt how to fake it all.

I am struck here and i know i will be for long time till i feel, till i see at least a slightest glimpse of what i am missing.

And till then i am writing, i am writing the Deepest Emotions!!!

I live because of It

Standing in the front of it, The Mirror,

I saw my smile, have seen it many times though,

But why, this time, It wasn't like the day before,

It wasn't like any day before,

It wasn't like the first day of college,

It wasn't like the last day either,

It wasn't like my 16th birthday,

Nor it was like my 21st,

I was standing, trying to hold it,

To never to loose it,

Trying my best to learn to replicate it,

But At that very moment,

I loose control of it, I forgot it,

Like i never had it,

Like i never, Felt it,

I tried, tried so hard to get it back,

Tried to make me feel the same,

I was, just 5 minutes back,

I felt it wasn't  just the smile i lost,

I felt i lost it all, 

In seconds,all what i have became all what i had,

At the same moment i took a look,

Into my eyes,

Dull they looked, Shallow they looked,

But, that was just a look,

Deep there i saw it, and i saw it all,

It wasn't hiding from me,

My smile, The smile, 

I realized, It was so, so mine,

And it was just the matter of time,

I looked for it, in the eyes, in the smile 

of everyone, of all my love ones,

I felt like i found it, many times,

a lot of times,

But now i realized, 

That was just a feeling,

Rather was just a fear,

But now that i have it,

I feel it,

I Live because of it,

I Love because of it,

I am & I will be Smiling just because of it.

Where i Was???

I was moving,with the day & with the night,
I was thinking,about the world & about the world,
I woke up this morning & something pulled me back,
It wasn't sleep,it wasn't the world outside,
It was me!!!
Though for long i waited for it,but finally there was something called as Me inside me
Still Alive!!!
Still want to me look,
Look what i have missed,while my eyes open & my heart closed through all these years.
Last time when i looked, i remember,
I was different,
I don't know about the world,but definitely what my eyes saw was a way different,
Where i was?? is the one big question i left unanswered from all these years,
And now,at this moment,when i want to get Me back,
And,my eyes looked out, Out of the window,
And i realized,I have lost!!
Guess the Me outside is stronger than the Me inside,
And here i am,
Moving,with the day & with the night,
Thinking, about the world & about the world.